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Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

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Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

Post by DECIMA on Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:40 pm

Life is tough for the people of North Korea. Getting up everyday, turning on the tele, to see one of the most evil men in history constantly in front of their eyes, exercising his power when he wants. Strutting around as if he owns the world, with a legion of followers (all hypnotised by the controlled media) behind him. Threatening people when he feels they are not fully behind him. Anyway, enough about Rafael Nadal and North Korea ESPN's tennis coverage; it's time to tell you all a bit more about me. 

The truth is, I live a double life. A bit of a more sinister version of Hannah Montana, if you will. Many people across the world know me as the loving leader of North Korea, but in reality my position is far more powerful. For the past 15 years I have been alternating as Nadal's fitness coach and North Korean royalty. There's been some gruesome battles along the way. The Americans keep nagging me, China is beginning to get suspicious of my military, Djokovic discovered CVAC... no one can say my life has been without troubles. But yet, I am on top of my game, and my battles have made me even stronger. 

It all started when I was in a jaccuzi nearly 2 decades ago. I received a letter, telling me that I was needed urgently in Spain. I thought the task would be difficult, but when I read the full details I nearly fell out of my jaccuzi in shock. I had been instructed to turn a right handed person into playing tennis left handed. I wasn't sure why, but it was something to do with more effective moonballing. So I took my Economy North Korean Airlines plane to Mallorca (to try and not cause too much attention); and got to work. Anyway after a few months and some serious advances in the pain-related motivation experiments, I had completed my work. 
Since then, my work started to get more serious. 1000000000000000 Red Blood Cells/ml later Nadal was now a world number 1 player. With the help of Larry Ellison, who spent billions on dropping sand on hard courts to make them slower, and Julia Santamaria who created a fake alias called Eufamanio Fuentes before sending all the evidence to somewhere no one would find them (in boxes at the back of some IKEA store); my good hard work has been protected. 

But I also want to thank Nadal fans, without whom all of this could not have been possible. All the girls, who just watch Nadal because you find him sexually attractive but don't actually watch tennis, thankyou. All the boys, who buy his merchandise (which pays for some of my private jets btw... cheers for that) and copy his tennis style, thank you. 

And last of all of thank you to OTF. Your constant endeavour to twist the truth and sustain accusations without evidence powers my North Korean propaganda machine; when I feel let down- I show my military this forum, and it gives them inspiration to continue the way they are. 

Kim Jong-Un Rose

DECIMA

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Re: Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

Post by luvsports! on Fri Oct 10, 2014 7:11 pm

Amrit?

luvsports!

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Re: Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

Post by Tenez on Sat Oct 11, 2014 1:22 am

luvsports! wrote:Amrit?
Well done. I find the pseudo excellent!

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Re: Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

Post by Tenez on Sat Oct 11, 2014 1:29 am

I am glad to read you are in good health Kim. The world has been looking for you, especially your people.

OTF is a good place to hide...as it's a hard one to find!

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Re: Kim Jong-Un Exclusive: Autobiography

Post by DECIMA on Sat Oct 11, 2014 11:57 am

Tenez wrote:I am glad to read you are in good health Kim. The world has been looking for you, especially your people.
Alas, the world has always been looking for me; but in reality I am not in perfect health.

Look at this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/north-korean-leader-kim-jong-un-had-ankle-surgery-report-says/2014/09/29/8973b009-5e5e-4001-b595-f677dd316de1_story.html

It all started in July, after the World Cup Final. I was with the North Korean football team, celebrating our 8th consecutive world cup victory in 8 years, when I tripped over the world cup trophy and injured my ankle.
Now at the time I did not want to admit it, the humble champion I am, and instead in press conferences I just asked journalists to not ask about the state of my ankle.
But now I feel it is time to reveal the truth. With my ankle problems I have not been able to go to Spain and help Nadal with his fitness training, and thus since Wimbledon I have not been seen in public, and Nadal has been injured. You don't really believe in coincidences do you ? We first made up a wrist injury so he doesn't get humiliated during the US season, but now my ankle is improving and I can help Nadal slightly more (anyway he is playing in Asia which is slightly closer to my home), we are easing him in but lowering expectations with the appendicitis lie. It's quite a convenient one, as no one can actually prove he doesn't have appendicitis.

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